After eight years of fruitful missionary work with the Alliance in Hungary, God began directing us toward ministry in Central Asia. I responded in fear. Did he have to lead us to a more dangerous place?
When God whispered my name and invited me to step into the darkness of the unknown, his all-powerful hand did not shove me into place or slap me into shape, but rather gently grasped my small, feeble hand and led me safely, step-by-step, on his new adventure for me. He patiently guided me in my struggle with fear, my surrender to him, and my search for vision.
Struggle with fear
In summer 2002, we left Hungary and moved back to Canada for a year of ministering in churches and waiting on God to show us his next step for our family. Early that fall, he started pointing us toward Central Asia.
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"Please, no, Father. Not me!" I wrote in my journal. "It's fine for the gospel to go forward on the blood of martyrs, but not on mine. My blood prefers to be in safer places, more comfortable ones. |
As we waited for his specific direction, I battled a growing sense of foreboding about ministering in a closed, resistant nation. I wrote in my journal, "I ache because I am terrified about going to a closed country and living in constant insecurity and fear. I don't want to go where people hate us because we're Christian, where we live so close to the atrocities that man does to man that we have to see and even experience them. I just want a home, safety and stability. I don't want to be a hero or a fool and go somewhere that no one wants to go because it is so dangerous."
Later I wrote, "I'm so tired of waiting, Lord. And the worst part is that the path you seem to be opening up for us is one I've never wanted to travel, so I feel impending doom rather than anticipation."
A few days later I sat on the couch with our two children and read them a Ladd Family adventure story. As the plot thickened, my nine-year-old daughter said, "Stop reading, Mom, it's too scary! I don?t want to read this book any more."
"Let's see how the book ends," I replied. We read the last page and saw that the story ended happily. This enabled her to endure the frightening circumstances with the characters through the rest of the book.
That evening, as I reflected on this incident, the parallel to my own life hit me powerfully. I had already read the last page! As a follower of Jesus I knew that no matter how frightening the conflict in my life, my story would end wonderfully in heaven. I realized that night that whenever fear of the unknown overwhelmed me, I could read about my last page in God's Word and be encouraged to press on.
Surrender to God
Though comforted by my new understanding of how to move forward in spite of my fears, I still dreaded going to Central Asia. Something held me back.
In October 2002, I attended a service where the speaker shared his vision of the cross. After his moving message, he invited those to whom God had spoken to kneel at the foot of the large wooden cross in the front of the auditorium. I sat in my seat, delighted at the response of so many. But as we sang, "Oh the wonderful cross, bids me come and die and find that I might truly live," I felt God urging me to surrender completely to him at the foot of the cross.
I walked forward to the cross, bowed down and surrendered myself to serve God even in places where persecution is a threat for Christians. Filling tissue after tissue, I relinquished everything to God?my husband, my children and myself, my pride, selfishness and love of comfort and control.
As I knelt with my head in my hands I felt free, but also spent and empty. I asked God to fill me and give me a blessing, as Jacob had requested after wrestling with God.
"My presence will go with you and I will give you rest" (Exodus 33:14), came to mind. I had hoped for something more dramatic, but instead God gave me what I really needed - the promise of his presence and rest no matter what lay ahead.
The next day, my seven-year-old son brought his Bible to me and said, "Look at this cool verse, Mom!" He read, "My presence will go with you and I will give you rest.? Grinning, he said, "See, God's presents are going with us!"
God promised me his abiding presence as I walked on his path, but he also blessed me with his generous presents, like the rest that comes with complete surrender and the amazing confirmation of his Word to me through my young son.
